My Story Of Postpartum Depression

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash

After three hours of operation, I slowly gained consciousness. I was trying to recollect everything as it initially felt as if I don’t know who I was. But within few minutes I was able to gain complete consciousness and was back to answer all that sleeping brain queries of self.

“Hey, Congrats, it’s a boy” said a voice from the side of my bed. I slowly opened my eyes and said Thank you, just that and I was back to sleep. It went for an hour till I was completely back to self and knew my whereabouts.

It was a critical operation so Doctors decided to keep the baby in NICU for 24 hours observation. So, when I got up baby wasn’t by my side. My mom and husband told me that the baby was completely fine but Doctors wanted to make sure there’s no problem at all so they kept him under observation.

As during surgery there was blood loss, my doctor decided to go for blood transfusion and after long hours of this slow process my mom told me to sleep as the baby wasn’t with me. She said it’s the right time to take rest and be prepared for the next day.

First day was relaxing and though I was missing my newborn and my elder one too, I preferred taking rest and making myself ready for next day. Then arrived another day and our baby was back to the ward. But due to blood transfusion on one side and saline on the other I wasn’t able to hold him. Still my husband put him near me and I felt the magical touch.

Everything went well and I was done with transfusion. I held him close, helped him latch on to me. And then my elder one reached the ward to meet his baby brother for the first time. I cuddled him tight and he prepared himself to hold the baby. I was overwhelmed with everything happening around and I had tears rolling down my cheek.

After a while my elder one started off his jumping, running around and going near the baby with excitement. Everything was going well and then all of a sudden, he lost his balance and fell down. While falling he collided with the baby’s cradle and it was pushed ahead. This scared me to hell. Pool of negative thoughts crossed my mind and I screamed at him with anger.

He was scared and sat quietly but I wasn’t ready to settle down. Fear, guilt, anger, it was all once and I couldn’t understand how to control it. I screamed at my husband saying why did he get him in the ward. My boy started crying and this made me more puzzled. I was getting heavier with guilt and my throat felt dry and choked. I took a deep breath and called my son near me. Said sorry to me, cuddled him tight and told him why was I scared. Made him understand how he has to be at home to ensure baby’s safety.

I settled all my fluctuating emotions quickly and saved myself from the worst. Though I was trying to be calm and strong but I didn’t realise no one has to try anything. Calmness is within and I was still fighting hard to make myself calm.

Postpartum depression begins with realising there isn’t anyone in your body anymore, so its a sudden feel of emptiness inside which is followed by fear of taking care of a very tiny life and then insecurity, guilt, incompleteness joins in too. I went through every kind of feeling but before I end up being depressed and unhappy my family got hold of me.

They knew what I wasn’t aware of. Before I delivered my second baby, the first was little and only baby. But after having the baby he just like that seemed big and non trustworthy. Non trustworthy means he was very small to look after the baby but his hyperactive behaviour looked scary.

But with family support and positive talks, I was able to overcome all my fears and anxiety. Taking care of a new Mother was done so well that it often seemed as if I was still pregnant. My mom who though was worried a lot about my breast feeding didn’t say anything which gives me any kind of stress. And gradually just like that I was back to my normal self.

Postpartum depression tries it’s best to create unknown fears in mind which can make a new mom fight within her emotions, ending up making her unhappy and fearful. But that’s the reason it is said, it takes a whole village to take care of a newborn baby and the new born mother.

Proper help and support can make a new mother get out of it really soon. So next time, you visit a new mother, keep advice aside for a while and try to make her feel worthy and strong.

Sarita Shukla is a Graduate in Microbiology and MBA in HR, currently staying in Navi Mumbai. She is a proud Homemaker and mom to two naughty, cute little boys. Writing is her passion and blogging gave her a wonderful way to fulfil it. She writes Quotes, Captions, short stories and blogs right from her personal experiences, current topics, to the stories. Many of her stories won on various online platforms. She is a passionate writer and reader. 

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